Alaska

I leaned against the side of the window of the cafeteria. Lucy waved quickly as she walked by and then continued her conversation with Jazz, an Asian girl who had been friends with Lucy since the second grade. I looked up at the clock; it was almost time for classes to let out. I frowned and waited five more minutes before the bell rang. I decided to wait by the bike rack if Ben wasn’t here already.

I walked over to the deserted bike rack to unchain my own bike, I was now furious as I realized that Ben’s bike was already gone, leaving mine in the cold by itself. I cussed his name and hopped on and pedaled down the road towards my house. It wasn’t a long drive or anything like that, just lonely. It annoyed me when he didn’t tell me how he was getting home one way or another. Sometimes Heather picked him up and he rode home. Usually he would tell me in class, but most of the time he rode home with me on his blue bike. I hated being by myself riding home, after that incident in my bedroom, I started sleeping under my parent’s bed, or in one of my sisters’ rooms. I was scared; I always had visions of someone coming to get me. I began to become even more paranoid. To the point where I was afraid of opening the shower curtain because I thought someone would be waiting behind me with a knife.

I screeched to a stop at a sign as a Chevy sped by. I waited a ridiculously long time instead of just going due to the racing thoughts in my mind.

These thoughts, these dreams, were controlling my life. I was afraid of everything, even now; I was getting upset at my best friend because I have to ride home alone.

Alone.

I took an uneasy sigh and road quickly across. I zoomed by the floral shop and down towards my house, where I flung my bike down and raced up the steps. I noticed that Dad wasn’t home yet. That was unusual. Usually he was already home collapsed on the couch, snoring away from his shift at the boring office job he kept. Mom wouldn’t be home till 5:30 at least. I pulled out my key from my book bag and shoved it in the door; I wanted to get inside as soon as possible, so that I could see my sisters, to be by another warm body. I burst through the door, looking everywhere for them. I flew up the stairs, my body trembling. I wanted to see Beatrice, I wanted her to hug me. “Beatrice! Beatrice!”

Her cornflower blue door opened, alarm clear on her thin face, “Sara? Sara is there something wrong?” I grabbed her torso, wrapping my arms tightly around it, squeezing as tight as I could. “What’s wrong? Did something happen at school.” She was rather alarmed still as she carefully pulled her arms around me.

Quick a lie! My mind screeched, and began going through the files of lies I had stored over the years.

“Everyone at school said that some kid got hit by a car… They said it was you.” I meekly offered meeting her grey eyes. I didn’t even know if there had been an accident. But I was simply amazed on how easily she took the bait I had offered. “No, nothing happened today. I’m all in one piece.” She smiled, and then grinned to assure me. I supposed my fake sense of alarm for her safety had worked, and it also looked like she was flattered I cared so much.

“So you’re okay?”

“Yup. Middle school kids tell lies like that all the time; don’t believe them unless you get called to the office.” She advised.

“Okay.” I said, pretending to tremble in happiness of her unscathed body. I slowly let go of her thin waist and stood up, she smiled again and offered to help me with my homework. I told her I had none, and went downstairs to get a snack.

I leaned against the side of the refrigerator that was almost scary how desperate I had felt. Like I needed to have someone touch me. I wanted to have a body by me, another person.

Maybe I hadn’t needed Gran for Gran, but her pulse? No, no, that’s a lie. She was special; she made me feel like I was on an adventure, even if it didn’t go as far as the other end of her grand home.

I wonder what happened to those curtains. The soft lace ones she had in her front windows? Even though they had been there since I was a toddler, they never yellowed, and they were always so beautiful. They somehow prepared you to expect something beautiful as you walked up to the black door, Gran’s home only consisted of family heirlooms, somehow, the beautiful furniture seemed to bled along the soft yellow walls. I wonder what happened warm, dark brown wooden floors that could warm the coldest feet.

I wonder what happened to all of it. The entire memory that was her, her house was her in a way. But it had been sold almost as quickly as it came on the market. It was an older woman, I had never seen her face entirely, and my mother had baked the woman a cake as a house warming gift. The woman left a note along with fifty dollars under the mat.

 

Thank you for the cake. This should pay for how much it cost.

My mother was rather puzzled, “That mix was only about five dollars.” She then left the money on the woman’s porch.

The next day my mother found the fifty under her pillow. She blamed us, saying that was rude to take the woman’s money. But oddly enough, my mother took it and put it in the emergency fund under the sink.

That was the last of it. I had never taken it into great consideration, but now it was starting to bother me. I had always worried about her in general, and never the things she owned. All the things she held precious to her. My mind began wander, I thought of a golden band, with a single white diamond set in the middle of it. “This is the first ring I ever bought, all by myself.” She boasted proudly, “I saved all the money I had left over from the oodles of bills we owed. The man was nice enough to keep it away for me until I could pay. Kinda like lay-away or whatever.” She then talked about how she then dated him and how he proceeded to stalk her. “First time I moved anywhere away from my Mama.” She sighed as she studied the ring, “I was oodles scared, especially with Karen bein a babe and all. I moved out here. Sucker never did find me. Don know why either, I wasn’t a pretty girl.”

My Gran was a very pretty woman, she had long, thick brunette hair that she wore up, and ringlets fell around her round face. Her lips were very dark, like she wore make-up. Her body curved perfectly as if she was a sculpture, but her as a young woman, as a girl, looked a lot like me, except her face was alittle rounder, but that didn’t really make a difference. Everyone was still amazed on the resemblance. Though I can’t really see it.

At all.

I wondered what had happened to her ring. I set down the apple I was carefully eating and walked slowly upstairs. I was going to check my mother’s jewelry box. If anyone deserved to keep such a precious heirloom, it was my mother.

I stepped carefully into the cool, dark room. The walls were a dark shade of beige; it blended well with the dark burgundy sheets. A portrait of our family hung over the head board. I searched cautiously through the drawers of my mother’s dresser. Feeling like every boundary of privacy was being broken in this one event. Finding nothing I wanted I turned to her vanity. The one she never used anyway. I pulled the small drawer open, sighing in relief as I spotted the light brown jewelry box among the piles of lip stick. I pulled it out carefully and opened the lid.

I found my mother’s wedding ring, earrings, and a few of her bracelets, she wasn’t fond of necklaces.

My grandmother’s ring was nowhere to be found.

I slammed the lid shut and shoved it back in the drawer. The only possible explanation I had was that she had decided to wear it, though I highly doubted it.

I knew I was going to panic, I could feel it in my heart. I would keep thinking about, thus worrying myself even more, then I would throw up from pacing up and down the stairs.

 

Easy Al. I told myself. Mom, just decided to wear it was all. That’s right, she wore it today.

It calmed me somehow by lying to myself and I sat down in the kitchen and stared at the tile and focused on the hum of the refrigerator until I finally heard the front door’s brass knob turn and my father’s voice. “I’m home girls!” he announced. He was tired, I could tell from his voice. “Hey Daddy.” It sounded weird talking for some reason; I paused and held my breath in my throat, waiting for him to reply. “Hi Al! What’s for dinner?” he asked peeking into the kitchen.  “Oh…..Well Mama left out some tomato sauce and pasta, so I’m guessing she wants us to make spaghetti.”

My dad frowned, “No meatballs?” he sounded disappointed, it didn’t matter to me, I hated meatballs. I stood up and pulled over the freezer door. There, sitting beside frostbit peas, were the meatballs. Mom never forgot anything. I grabbed them and placed the bag in the sink to thaw a little. “Check.” I smiled softly at him. “Oh. Thanks, I’ll go upstairs and clean up.” That was his way of saying he didn’t feel like doing dinner.

 

I watched the clock carefully, it was 5:15, and Mama will be here soon. I told myself. Then you can check her finger, just stay calm. Calm. I repeated as I prepared the boiling water. Beatrice came down later and helped with the sauce, she chattered pleasantly, keeping my mind scattered. I was grateful, it helped keep me distracted.

 

Suddenly the front door’s knob twisted.

The ring.

I spun around and sprinted to the door, slamming my toe in to the wall twice. “Ma?” I yelped as the door flung open.

“Surprise”

BAM

“SARA!”

 

I’m not dead.

I refuse to be dead.

I’m too young to be dead.

I’m too scared to be dead.

I’m too alone to be dead.

I’m alone.

Alone.

It’s dark.

It’s getting darker.

The light’s gone.

This must be hell.

Oh well.

“Sara? Sara please wake up! Sara!” I heard a familiar voice sob. “Sara. Sara. Sara. Sara.”

I began to cry, “Mama! Mama I don’t want to die! Wake me up! Use my college fund! Anything!” though I don’t think they heard me. I heard another voice, “Al! Al I’m sorry! I shoulda called!” it was Ben. Stupidly blaming himself.

What had happened?

The light’s coming back.

It’s awfully bright.

I’m going blind.

Great.

At least I’m alive.

I could see the pink from behind my eyelids. It was inviting. Warm. I would hug it if I could. “Ben?”

I opened my eyes fully. “Sara!” my mother was leaning over me, her eyes bright red.

“What happened?”

“You tell us.” My father shrugged, his hand securely clasped to mine. “You opened the door and we all heard something like a gunshot and Beatrice screamed.”

“I’m not sure. I didn’t see anything. Nothing.”

“How much does it hurt?” Ben asked, seething a little.

I could feel nothing. Not even a little uncomfortable. “What pain?”

“Karen did you tell them to give her pain killers?” my dad fired at my mom.

“No! Did you?” my mom snapped back.

“Why would I need painkillers?” I questioned.

“You have a huge cut on your belly. You don’t feel anything?”

“No.” I replied trying to sit up. I was too lightheaded.

“Stop it Sara you’ll upset your stitches!”

“How can you do that? I’ll be careful.” I replied, now dizzy.

I sat up all the way and took a good look around the room. It looked no different from the cage Gran lived in. Stark white walls, a chair here and there. I sat in a white bed, surrounded by my mother, father, my sisters, Ben, and Heather, who was standing by the tiny window. A large bouquet of roses sat in my lap.  I picked it and stared at it. “How long have I been here?”

“Two hours. The doctors went and cleaned you out and stitched you up. They said you lost oodles of blood, but not enough to need a transfusion.” Heather piped.

I smiled, still dizzy. “Oh. Okay then.” I looked around, “When can I leave?” I asked. My mother’s face turned a bright red, “When they say! It was awful deep Sara! Not a normal cut!”

I moaned, “I hate hospitals.”

“I know, but it’s the doctor.”

I hate doctors too, but I didn’t say that.

When they left it was just me, alone again. I sighed and prodded through the bouquet, searching for a card. I finally found a small manila one. I carefully opened it and read the name.

But there wasn’t a name, but a small phrase. The phrase I heard almost instantly after I opened the door,

‘Surprise.’

My heart fell, and I flung the bouquet across the room, and it hit the window. I caught glimpse of something on my wrist, and took a look,

There, stitched into my skin, on each wrist, were two perfect crosses.

Surprise.

 

ONE WEEK LATER

My family drove me home, Mama in the passenger seat in the front, while I sat by a window, crammed beside Beatrice and M-J who was complaining loudly

on the phone to one of her friends. I wore a long sweater, I did'nt want my mother, or anyone else to see the crosses.
It was my secret.

Mine.

I watched the trees and then the tiny side revealing that you were driving into the town. Our home was only a few minutes. I did'nt want to go home. I wanted

to yell at my father to keep going, to never stop, for my mother to keep checking on me from the corner of her eye, for Beatrice to keep telling me useless

facts about highschool, and for M-J to never stop talking loudly and complaining to whoever it was she was talking to. I wanted to keep watching the trees.

I wanted to be re-winded over and over again, because I would need that much time to figure out what was going out in my head. To find why I was having

strange feelings and sometimes-
No feeling at all. I sighed and allowed myself to sink deeper into my confusion. So many things were happening, it was exhausting. I closed my eyes and

decided to accept that...

I was crazy.

I nodded and agreed with myself, and decided I would try to hide as long as I could before having to go get medical attention. Maybe I was a skitsafranic, and

I was seeing things, that seemed to make much more sense. I opened my eyes and sat up as tall as I could, smiling alittle, maybe I wasn't hurt, maybe I in

my room doing homework and having hallucinations that I had something wrong with me. But that sounded alittle stranger, maybe I was going alittle far with

this. Obviously I was in the car driving home. I looked both ways to make sure no one was looking and leaned against the window an licked the plastic

button that opened the window, it tasted bitter, just like it had since my parents purchased the vechicle when I was five. And you couldn't taste in dreams,

so I was sure that I had gotten slashed in the belly with something now. I pressed my head against the window and smiled. I felt happy, uplifted- knowing I

had a problem made me feel better about everything that was happening to me. Or everything that wasn't happening to me.

The woman in the graveyard was not real.

Nor was the man in the dreams, or the woman in the fantasies as well.

And the woman never had come to my house, for she did'nt exist.

The convulsing child and the burly man in the mall were a lie as well.

The old woman, whom had seemed so real, was very much a day dream.

And my grandmother's ring, that was not real either. That was a lie.

"Sara were home dear."

"We are?" I asked, not even paying attention.

"bless your heart! You're so tired you did'nt even notice!" my mother cried pulling me gently out of the seat.

Something like that... I thought happily as I walked lightly through the door.

The house smelled like vanilla candles, and the T.V was on. I looked around deliriously, I saw that a plump blonde woman was curled up in front of the T.V.

"Jenn sorry we made you wait." my mother apologize to her friend.

Jenn smiled and turned, "No problem. Is Sara okay?"

"I feel great actually." I replied for my mother, "I'm just happy to be home."
 Jenn smiled, her large lips reaching to her ears, "That's good to hear."

 Jenn was generally called in when someone ever went to the hospital, she was a nurse, but not a partically good one in my opinion. I knew this was true

when she diagnosed our cat smokey with obesity when the cat was simply expecting kittens.

Therefore I did'nt trust jenn with any of the family's medical problems.

"Sara you go sit down on the couch while I make you something to eat. I'm sure that food wasn't tasty in the hospital." my mother pretended to gag and

walked off the to kitchen, my father followed, while my sisters quietly headed upstairs.

I sat down on the love seat and brushed off my pants. Jenn stared at me, smiling widely, her red lipstick in great contrast. "You're so pretty Sara. I wonder

what your Grandmother would say if she say how beautiful you are...."

I shrugged.

Jenn leaned down and reached for her purse, which was a beige sack. She dug through it for a couple minutes before producing a rectangle of brown

paper and handing it over to me. It was heavy in my hands. "What's this?" I asked studying it carefully.

"A present, I did'nt get you one for your birthday."

I stared, "Yes you did, you gave me a silly card and ten dollars."

She twitched, "Valentine's Day."

I shrugged and began to tug away the paper. "STOP" she cried,

"Valentine's day was forever ago, I'm just opening my present."

"Not yet! Not until someone tells you okay."

"oh." as odd as that sounded I set the rectangle beside myself.

"When can i open it?"

"When I say."

"Oh... Okay."
Jenn smiled and immersed herself in the TV programs

i fell asleep.

It was extremely hot, and there was sweat dripping off of me. But i was sitting in a dark room, I was in a chair, and my hands were together in my lap. But I

couldn't move them. Suddenly a light came on, and I was looking into a white room, it was like a box, and small. There were no doors, but a old brown chair

in the middle of the room, empty. There was blood stained on the chair, and bits of tissue on it. I couldn't hear or smell anything, like those senses were

clogged. Suddenly, a baby appeared, naked and covered with blood, it was small and unclean, like it was just born. it did not cry, but looked at the ceiling,

eyes glazed over. The light disappeared for a moment, then came back on, stronger, The baby was wrapped in blue linens, and a woman was holding it, she

was dressed in black and was fixing the baby's wisps of hair. A man with an old camera, the kind where you have to have a sheet to cover the film was

about to take their picture, he said something in a foreign language, and the woman looked up, the light flashed and the picture was taken. The woman

then unwrapped the baby from the linen and put the linen under her arm, she then took the baby and turned. The light disapeared again, then reappered.

There was the young woman again, looking sad, standing in front of a small wicker casket, an older looking woman was patting her shoulder and saying

what I thought were good things. Then it hit me,

This was that baby, and that was that baby's mother.

Again.

The pastor was reading out of a bible, slowly as another man reached down with a torch of fire and lit the wicker casket.
I gasped, so did the other people at the funeral, all except the mother who stared at the sky, no look of anything in her black eyes.

Again.

There she was again, except older, and was leaning over a small body, a body of a young boy. She was quietly sewing an arm to his shoulder. eyes wide

with hysteria. Suddenly the boy sat up, then stood, He wore rags, his hair was greasy and around his face, and his eyes beady, like a dolls, the woman

reacehd up and grasped his shoulders, she then whispered, "Emilio..."

And I woke up.

Jenn was sitting beside, her large eyes staring at me hard. "You fell asleep." she stated. "Yes I know." I nodded, I looked over to see on the coffee table a

ham sandwhich and chips, as well as a small glass of juice. I slowly ate it and finished off the juice with only a few stray chips left. I then stood and went up

to my room. When I opened my door a strong scent  of artificial flowers hit me. I scrunched up my nose to see that my room had been cleaned, the carpet

vaccumed and the random stuff that inhabited the floor were now on new shelves. I frowned, then went to lay on my bed. I when my head hit the pillow I felt

so comfortable, so extremely comfortable. I opened my mouth barely and whispered, "I'm home."

I closed my eyes and layed there for several minutes, when I opened my eyes, laying next to me was the brown square. I sat up and stared at it, I did'nt

remember bringing it up with me. In fact, I did'nt. I wondered if I had fallen asleep while my eyes were closed and instead of several minutes I had been

asleep for several minutes. I looked around the room, then checked to make sure the door was shut. When the coast was clear I sat on my bed and picked

at the square. I wondered what it was, and if opening before Jenn told me was bad or something. But something in my mind told me to screw whatever the

hell Jenn said. I was sick and had the excuse that I was delusional. I took a piece between my fingers and slowly peeled it away, it revealed a strip of black

leather. I peeled another. I did that for several minutes until all of the paper was gone. And now I saw a large leather book. It was old, and clearly abused. On

the front was burned into the leather the word, "Painless." I wondered if that was the name of the book, but when I opened it I realized it had clearly nothing

to do with the title.

I flipped slowly through the yellowed pages of diagrams, reports, journal entries, and instructions. There were pictures of dead children and how to restart

their heart, or  how to replace it. There were instructions on how to make a purple goo to rub onto dead limbs to perserve them longer. How to properly

freeze a brain. I looked through the journal entries silently.

' My mother just died, so did my father. I'm sad, but oh well. Right now my brother and I are trying to hurry up and escape or die along with them. I feel

terrible for dragging him into this predicument. Oh well, let the record show that it is 12:30 A.M. on the 12th of June 1600 In Brazarea R. 3"

I wasn't sure what that meant but I looked down on the page to see that there was new one written in what looked like dry blood by the same person.

'Going to kill us, but I should atleast write on last thing and sign my name before I die.
I am sorry mother and father, I could not protect you. I am sorry Hurt, you will die by my side. I am sorry Emilio I failed you and tarnished the name of your

late mother. I am so sorry my fellow painless, I am the first to die in this war against the Prince, I apologize in advance for the condition I am returning this

book in. Now I sign my name and give up my title to my first niece. She will live and fight for you.
Horrenda Elliose.'

I wasn't sure what it all meant, but it scared me, and I wondered why Jenn gave me this book in the first place. Slowly I closed it and opened the drawer my

nightstand and shoved it into there. I laid back onto the bed and stared at the ceiling again. I tossed and finally found a spot on the bed that felt good on my

back. When I could'nt stare any longer I sat up and looked around, after five minutes I decided that I wanted a drink. As I scooted off the bed, something hit

my hand, I looked down to see the brown leather book laying on top of it. I stared at it, then slowly walked out of my room.

My mother made  me a glass of orange juice and I drank it at the table, my mother was emptying the dishwasher and smiling at me, she looked down for a

moment then back up, her left eyebrow raised slowly. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"Sara where did that book come from?"

I looked over.

There was the leather book, sitting promptly to my left. I felt a chill run up my spine. "I brought it down with me." I lied. I wasn't going to allow myself to look

more like an idiot by saying I did'nt know.

"Oh okay." I could tell she did'nt belive me, but I knew she wasn't going to push the subject further.

When I finished I set my glass in the sink and delibrately left the book on the table. I walked slowly up the stairs, watching behind, making sure it had'nt

aquired legs and was following me. In my relief as I reached the end of the stairs, there was nothing at my feet following me. I walked to my bedroon and

opened the door.

There it was, sitting on my bed where I had supposedly left it.

"What are you?" I whispered.

Nothing happened.

I felt my face redden in anger and hysteria as I picked it up and shoved it in the drawer. "Stay!" I commanded sitting back on the back. I stared at the drawer

carefully. Nothing happened, I looked to both my sides then turned to look behind.

No book.

I sighed, "Thank you." I murmured as I layed back down to take a nap.

 

 

 

 

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